Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize