I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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