8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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