I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
