I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
