I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
