ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
