Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Of course I have a pirate flag
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
