im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
