hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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