drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
