I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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