Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
