don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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