Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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