I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
