I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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