The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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