I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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