Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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