This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
