im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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