He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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