I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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