I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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