I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
