Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
