Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
