I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
