my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
