I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
