Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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