She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
