Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
