if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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