No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
