the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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