I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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