but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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