1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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