I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
