im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
