There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
