i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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