I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
