I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
