Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This is my gift to your gina
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
