I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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