I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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