Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I cut my penus on the lid.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
