why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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