I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
