I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize