It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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