I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
