That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
