I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
