i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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