At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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