This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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