Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
