my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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