I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
