Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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