We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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