You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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