Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
